simanek's blog

people are mean

2008-12-01T22:14:00.002-06:00

Winter weather in Chicago can really suck. I woke up this morning around 3:15 and, after looking at the snow and ice outside, decided that i had better get on the road as fast as possible. I made it to the airport and I immediately got into a funk when i noticed that my boarding pass relegated me to 33D...which is as close to bumblefucknowhere as you can get in a 737.

A short aside: due to the benefit of frequent flier status, I have enjoyed priority seating and generally good treatment of late. 33D does not meet either of those qualifications.

Back to our story at hand. Due to my seating arrangement, and the fact that i woke up before most college students go to bed, i was in a rather foul mood. Apparently so was everyone else. I was run over and cut in line by some douchebag and his wife. The wife clearly noticed and pointed it out. The douchebag chose to ignore both of us. As we are boarding, I notice that DB and wife have seats separted by about 10 aisles. DB asked the gentleman sitting next to him in the rear if he'd like to take his wife's seat in economy plus so that the two of them could sit together. For reasons unbeknowst to me, the man denies him. I, of course, did a victory dance in the aisle, pointed, laughed, and told him that "karma is a bitch, ain't it?". ok, not really. but i did smile at my revenge.

I should heed my own words. Later in the day I was rewarded for my internal celebration, by being shouldered out of the way by a 4 foot 6 inch chinese woman as we exited a train. Having lost my balance, I made quite the scene as I tipped over my luggage and grabbed at the nearest railing to keep from faceplanting.

hopefully the return trip will be more pleasant. I'm scheduled for 7F, my usual, so it's already looking better.

a triumphant return!

2008-11-09T20:41:00.002-06:00

yes friends, it's true. I'm actually blogging again. After a 4 month hiatus, I am rededicating this blog to all the retards, morons, dipshits, and slack-jawed yokels that have ever navigated an airport.

My job is now requiring a significant amount of travel which I have adjusted to quite nicely. I leave my house every monday at 4am and come back to chicago every friday at 8pm. Fun fun. Mind you, I am not bitching. I love my job and life in general. However, one of my two annoyances in life right now is the folks who just can't seem to understand modern aviation.

First: It's not the fucking Wright Brothers any more. There are like, electronics and shit on these planes that keep them where they're going. You are not required to look out the window and try to navigate for them.
Second: Bumpy landings are a fact of life and i'm sure the people in the cockpit enjoyed it even less than you did. No one died.
Third: If you are going to be shoved in an airborne cattle car for 3 hours with 250+ of your new best friends, have the decency to a.) shower b.) not pack and eat a RIDICULOUSLY stinky lunch (i have no idea wtf this guy was eating - it was nothing i recogonized visually or aromatically) c.) actually know what a carry-on is supposed to look like (hint: not a hiking backpack)

I have all sorts of flying stories that will be posted here for your entertainment (and mine now that they're over). So buckle up, stow those tray tables, and prepare yourself for the in-flight movie that is my life.

oil prices

2008-07-11T07:34:00.003-05:00

on the news last night was an article about how oil speculators are responsible for as much as a third of the price of a barrel of oil right now. interesting. from everything i've read, demand is at record levels, production is waning, yet there is still a price mismatch in the market due to these speculators. half of me wants to get in, buy and oil ETF and make some quick cash. the other half, the more deviant one, says we should petition congress to force anyone who buys light, sweet crude oil to have to take delivery of it. i can just picture an oil tanker pulling up to a hedge fund manager's waterfront Bermuda home with some crusty captain using the lawn as his personal toilet. yarr.

the simanek six - six things i learned from the annual ski trip

2008-03-19T17:29:00.005-05:00

last weekend was the annual boys ski trip where we all get together, ski like madmen, drink a shitton at night, and be the vile, disgusting male species that we are.

1. Alex can take a beating like no other.

2. I can get sick air. Landing, however, is another story.

3. Fart wars never end well.
4. If you really want to make someone nervous, come out of the bathroom attached to their bedroom giggling uncontrollably.
5. Beer + garlic burgers + grilled cheese = weapon of mass destruction...even on a chair lift in mid air.
6. Speaking of chair lifts, the most undignified thing that can possibly happen to you while skiing is to fall off the chair lift, get run over by it, and be forced face first into the snow as it drags you along.
The bonus 7th: Sometimes, the best thing a friend can say to you is "fuck everybody else".

it's in the genes

2008-03-05T19:47:00.001-06:00

i recently received this following email from my mother:

"10 strikes in a row - 280 game!!!!!"

she was referring to wii bowling.

is it any wonder i went through a nasty episode of video game addiction in college?

zeus is dead

2008-03-04T13:22:00.002-06:00

it's a sad day in nerd-dom. Zeus is going to join the other greek gods tomorrow morning when the trash man comes and he goes off to pc heaven. i will miss him but i simply cannot justify the floor space he takes up. he hasn't even been plugged in for 3 years. many a college night (and day) was spent putting him together and playing endless games on him. now he has surpassed usefullness and i must put him out of his misery.

howdy pardner!

2008-02-24T19:02:00.002-06:00

it is no secret that i do not like country music. perhaps it was a combination of my upbringing in middle-of-nowhere illinois and the fact that every woodchips for brains football player that blasted it out of his loud, obnoxious pickup truck that causes a wave of nausea in me every time i hear that twang. god.

now i admit, there was time in high school where i thought i liked it...a lot. in fact, if you were to play a country song from that time period, i can almost guarantee that i know the words to it. this fact makes me wish i had a van gogh period just prior.

imagine my surprise and disgust when a song by garth (who names their kid garth? it's just mean.) brooks came on called 'the american honky tonk bar association'. i liked it.

i must now go shower. i am unclean.

i hate people - volume 9

2008-01-15T18:34:00.001-06:00

part 1. i hate slow people. i hate people who talk slowly, think slowly, and most of all WALK slowly. in the morning on my way from the train to my office, i'm in a hurry. not only do i have to get to work, but it's 15 degrees out and my dress pants insulate so well that my peenie becomes the tip of the iceberg with my nuts dragging in the arctic waters of the chicago breeze. two words: fuck. that. if you insist on walking slowly, not only is my patience being tried, but my male fortitude as well.

i do not like for my male fortitude to be tried. ever. it gives new meaning to the term 'blue balls'.

part 2. i hate the samsonite clan. this is my term for people who carry so much shit to and from work that they require a rolling bag so that they do not have to haul it on their shoulder(s). do you really read that much at night that your breifcase is considered "luggage" in most circles? i bet you didn't even open it last night. so instead, you slowly drag that behemoth across the sidewalk and take up my passing lane so that you may appear to not be the lazy sack that you are. for the love of god, just leave it at the office and save us all the frustration. please. i beg you.

motivation

2008-01-08T12:49:00.000-06:00

last night, i finally got a massive dose of ironman motivation.

look the fuck out.

11:55:44 will be a thing of the past.

addiction

2008-01-02T20:41:00.000-06:00

It was four degrees when I walked from the train to the office this morning. Four. That's so cold that my eyes were not only tearing from the frigid blasts off the lake, but the tears were freezing on my cheeks.

As I walked past the dunkin' donuts, i saw two women sitting outside at a picnic table relaxing and having a cup of coffee. The scene befuddled me until I saw the cigarettes in their hand.

I guess that's one way to quit smoking: freeze off your fingertips.

i hate people - volume 8

2007-12-28T19:55:00.000-06:00

I have had a LOT of dumb questions asked of me at the store. Recently, I had one that topped them all:

"Can I help you?"
"Yes...those caramels...do they...umm...do they have caramel in them?"
"Seriously?" (your fucking with me, right?)
"Haha...um...yea...do they?"
"Now i have had a LOT of questions about product here, but this has to be the first time that one was asked." (You, lady, were dropped as a child...off a balcony) "yes, they have caramel in them."

And so it goes that retards are not only customers, but hold jobs as well. Pulling through the steak 'n shake drive-thru today:

"That'll be $6.27 please."

"I'm sorry sir...the credit cards are taking forever today because of the snow."

I guess the credit cards were waiting for a plow and a fucking salt truck. idiot.

slacking has it's benefits

2007-12-12T21:35:00.000-06:00

today was a very important meeting with some very high up folks and was the culmination of the past 2 months worth of effort. my responsibility was to understand the technical details and deliver a demonstration of the product. while i was changing from powerpoint to a desktop application, the background of my laptop was revealed. it was this picture. As it turns out, one of the very high-up folks is a recovering waterski junky. The other is a boating addict. I was complimented on the lean in my slalom and we discussed when the boats were going to hit the water next year. Is there really a better way to end a meeting? So my slacker summer of fine tuning my waterskiing ability was not without it's benefits afterall.

Tim, thanks for a great ego-satisfying photo.

the kinky twinkie

2007-12-09T23:51:00.000-06:00

in spite of my bitch-fest of a previous post, this week was not without it's moments of entertainment. on friday, after work, i went to restaurant depot to pick up the ton-o-shit that i normally buy there. i had the loaner car, a ford edge, from the dealer. i filled it...completely. i shit you not. cargo hold, back seat, front seat, this thing was packed like timmy's butt wound (sorry tim, couldn't resist). when i returned to the dealer to pick up my now healed explorer, a light crowd of mechanics/desk jockeys gathered to watch the chocolate store version of the clown car as i loaded the escape. i had warned them that i may be picking up a few things...maybe i underestimated.

second moment of entertainment:
satuday at the store, two older women came in (45 years old it turns out). they were poking around asking about this that and the other thing when they came to the twinkies. now keep in mind that I was in rare form on saturday and damn near anything was coming out of my mouth. it has been a while since i've dealt with that many customers and i was on people-overload. the lady asked if the twinkies were any good. I smiled and nodded.
"really?"
"yea, i normally don't like twinkies" (bigger smile)
"that much huh?"
"for sure!" really big smile.
"did you get kinky with the twinkie?"
holding the really big smile: "no...but it sounds like a pretty good idea."
"oooh...my...(fanning herself)...is it hot in here?"
"yup." (it was 80 degrees...but i'm not sure that's what she was talking about)
"i'll take two."

the banter continued through the transaction and as she walked out, i ran to the back room to laugh my fool head off. now before you go and tell me that i'm all talk (i'm well aware, thank you), i did make the sale and upsold her by at least $10. and hey, an ego boost doesn't hurt anybody now does it?

how to turn your week on it's ear

2007-12-09T23:42:00.000-06:00

this week has been a little bit hectic. it's christmas season and two of the store folks have left. that leaves me shorthanded and scrambling for coverage for a couple weeks.

to make things even more fun, I got committed to some last minute training which took me out of the office for two days that I really couldn't afford to lose. throw in the words "eight hundred million dollar contract" and everyone is clamoring to see what exactly my demo systems can do. it's kind of fun being the center of attention but it's hard to keep track of everything that's going on and still get work done. More fun: my transmission went wonky on me AGAIN on friday morning. I limped in to the dealer for a loaner so i could get on my way.

and finally, the trump card. today at the store our cash registers went down. normally, i can fix them...but right now, they're mega-fucked.

gangsta wrap-ping paper

2007-12-04T00:00:00.000-06:00

after my FOURTH trip to Target in two days, I've finally purchased enough hannukah wrapping paper. christ! pun intended. now i'm only a UPS overnight shipment away from being on time for a hannukah for the first time in my life. go me!

did jesus send christmas cards?

2007-12-02T12:23:00.000-06:00

I was talking with some customers in the store yesterday and it came up that hanukkah is in 3 days. oh crap. My oldest brother and his family is Jewish which makes me probably the world's worst brother in terms of holidays. It's usually by blind luck that i'll remember to call on the high holidays. Even worse, hanukkah is a moving holiday. It's on different days every year.

To my benefit, hanukkah is probably a bigger deal to the christians who started this whole gift-giving bastardization of religion than it is to jews. Seriously, how do you turn the birth of your Savior into shopping malls, angry customers, and parking lots filled with the one-finger salute of christmas tidings. I think my dad has it right. Every year for as long as i can remember, whenever i asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he would just say that he wants to be with me and maybe go out to breakfast.

Next year, I think i'm just going to start sending plane tickets as christma-kah gifts.

more effective than caffeine

2007-11-28T08:50:00.000-06:00

Last night at soccer i took a couple of rather hard shots strait into the end of the fingers on my right hand. Thank god I only wear fingersave gloves now. There are little spines in the back of each finger that help protect you from breaking/jamming them. An unpleasant side effect showed up on the train this morning though. Apparently, after having taken one of these shots to the fingers some of the glove material got stuck underneath my fingernail. Have you ever smelled goalie gloves before? Especially old goalie gloves? They smell like ass. Big fat hairy sweaty ass...with extra cheese. Needless to say, upon scratching my nose this morning, I was bitchslapped out of my grogginess and ready for the day ahead.

you can id me by my nuts

2007-11-27T09:13:00.000-06:00

This morning, as i'm getting ready for work, I realized that I left my dry cleaning downstairs in the kitchen. I got dressed as normal and walked down the stairs with wallet and phone in hand to retrieve my pants.

On the train a few hours ago, I pulled out my laptop to do some work and felt something uncomfortable gouge my in the junk. I had attached my work badge to the flap of my boxers as i had no free hands to carry it this morning. Of course, I left it there until I made my way into work. Upon reaching my floor I entertained all spectators as I performed quite the emphatic pelvic thrust at the card reader to get the door to open.

i dream of genie

2007-11-26T21:23:00.000-06:00

Once every two months I'll have a dream that I actually remember. These past few days though, I've been plagued by nightmares. And not the kind where the axe murder is waiting around the corner watching me finish up a speech to a large crowd after I've forgotten to put any clothes on. Translation: the dreams aren't scary in the traditional sense. They're worse. Instead of the cold-sweat "holy shit i almost died" dream, i get the sick-to-my-stomach wave of anxiety that sticks with me all day. I think it's the fact that these nightmares are incredibly believable. There's nothing in them where you wake up and go "hah...yea right".

Now why on earth do I only remember the screwed up ones? Stupid temporal lobe.

life without being connected

2007-11-15T00:47:00.000-06:00

i'm infinitely grateful to timmy for letting me use his blackjack in boston and convincing me that it would be the next phone i would purchase. I do not know how i could operate in my current profession without it. I've been in 3 cities and in 2 hotels in 4 days. my day begins at 6:30 and typically ends around 9 or 10. i love every second of it (sort of...details to come) but without having my email in my pocket, i would either lose touch with what needs to be done or be so inundated with email when i check it at night that i would never get to sleep. lucky for you, i now have time to blog about how great that little device is.

also, i'm working on my next athletic conquest: the 60 second quarter mile. should be interesting trying to train for this one in the winter.

who's a ho? idaho!

2007-11-13T09:46:00.000-06:00

not really idaho. more like texas, california, and washington in under 7 days. lately i spend more time in hotels than a prostitute. i've already come to despise airline passengers. there are 3 types:

1. those who travel all the time and think they are god's gift to airlines and demand the utmost respect (i hate them the most).
2. there are your typical liesure travelers who do not know airport protocol and jam up the lines. they are, however, usually the most courteous.
3. then there are your first time flyers who want to talk your ear off on the plane. seriously, i don't really care that your six year old finally got potty trained. good for you. gold star. i will certainly exchange pleasantries and perhaps a little small-talk with my fellow passengers, but i really do have stuff to get done while i sit on my ass for 4 hours. so be quiet. and if you must fall asleep, drool on your own damn self.

i make it sound horrible, but it's really not all that bad. i just get frustrated easily on planes. and hawkins, i have no idea where you fit into this. you're just a travel anomaly.

check THAT out!

2007-10-30T09:36:00.000-05:00

walking to work this morning there was a female cyclist all decked out in spandex. as i finished checking her out, my head swiveled back around to see a dirty look given me by a female commuter. Rather than defend myself, I refrained from admitting that I was admiring the Zipp 404's/Dura-ace setup as opposed to her tookus.

chili

2007-10-26T08:57:00.000-05:00

i'm in the process of making my favorite fall food...a batch of ridiculously hot chili. however, this has not been a smooth process. I get to the store yesterday to purloin the necessary acoutrements only to find that my brain no longer functions. i could only remember about half of the necessary ingredients. thanks to the wonderful world of cell phones and tim's healthy obsession with food, i soon had my grocery cart filled with goodies.

as i unloaded the car, i promptly shattered a quart bottle of louisiana hot sauce on the garage floor and all over my brand new white puma's. they are now my brand new orange tinted pumas. the part that really sucks is that i had thought to ask her to double bag that one but then decided against it as i didn't want to be a pain in the ass (for once).

after my experience taking a leak after having chopped jalepenos, you'd think that i would remember to not touch anything sensitive prior to washing hands. it hurt so bad i damn near went blind.

this morning, i awake to chili all over my counter, stove, and floor. it had boiled over in the middle of the night (it cooks for 18 hours or so).

this shit better taste DAMN good.

in the buff

2007-10-25T08:19:00.000-05:00

i left my cell phone at home today. i feel naked. and it's cold outside.

ahoy nerd-o!!

2007-10-24T22:59:00.000-05:00

if you are not a super-nerd, stop reading.

i'm serious.

stop now.

ok, you've been warned.

on monday, i went to a talk hosted by the research side of labs on predictive bug detection in software. in short, it was an algorithm that analyzes api calls and looks what you are doing before and after api/function calls. it then categorizes what you're doing and sees if there is a pattern. if a large percentage fall into a pattern and a function call doesn't match the pattern, it is flagged for manual inspection. say for example, you always check for null on a return call but suddenly, in some random slice of code, you don't perform the check, the 'bug detector' flags the code for manual inspection.

this work is still in its infancy and doesn't do anything crazy but it's an interesting concept that, once fully mature, will probably be a very useful tool in industry. i only fear that, just like Microsoft Word makes for poor spellers, dependency on a tool such as this will make for sloppy developers.

see, i tried to warn you and you just wouldn't listen. in order to make amends, i shall propose a new topic: if a turtle loses his shell, is he homeless or naked? discuss.

oh deer!

2007-10-23T16:35:00.000-05:00

i think i saw the funniest thing ever on sunday afternoon. driving through rural long grove, i was coming up on the town when out of nowhere a deer comes flying across the road. and by flying, i mean, on it's butt...backwards...with front paws scrambling trying to stop himself/stand up. The deer finally skids to a stop on my side of the road, gets up, gives me a look like 'what are you starin' at buddy?' and bounds off into the woods. i was laughing so hard that the townfolk in long grove thought i had finally lost all my marbles (my windows were down).

are you surprised?

2007-10-18T17:47:00.000-05:00

http://www.statemaster.com/graph/hea_ora_hea_los_of_nat_tee-health-oral-loss-natural-teeth

where's my walker...so i can beat you over the head with it?

2007-10-18T08:29:00.000-05:00

monday night i began to think that i was getting old when i chose to not stop a ball going in the net and instead, prevent myself from having my head collide with the goalpost. last year and 2 concussions ago, i would have taken one for the team.

tuesday night i determined that maybe i'm not so old. a player on the opposing team threw an elbow at my head. i was pissed. i didnt' even hesitate when i swept his foot and more or less tackled the guy. needless to say, i was sent off the field for that one but so was he for throwing the elbow.

eventually, i cooled off and went and shook the guy's hand. all good. funny thing about soccer, i'm full of piss an vinegar on the field, but once off it, i'm a pretty passive guy.

i did manage to have our team's only goal tuesday night. sure, i've had a couple of assists dribbling the ball up the field, but last night, the seas parted and the moon was aligned. so i closed my eyes and ripped it as hard as i could. it bent right into the corner. i think i was more surprised than anyone else on the field.

how's that for a technical description?

2007-10-16T11:31:00.001-05:00

looking through a whitepaper on emergency communications system interoperability, i came across the following highly technical term:

-the Hoot and Holler system

riiiiight...

sad day

2007-10-14T21:24:00.000-05:00

103 boating hours later, it was finally time to pull 'why not' out of the water and put her to bed for the year. it's a sad day but the water is always flat...so despite the 57-61 degree water, we skied anyways.

april 26, 2008 - it's time to get our tow/lean/spray on. be ready.

ham i am

2007-10-14T21:16:00.000-05:00

apparently, after having a beer or six, i become quite the ham for a camera. these were all taken after hours during my week of training last week. yes, i'm a dork.

mike checks his shorts - volume 2

2007-10-05T11:01:00.001-05:00

wtf...

so on monday, i bought a brand new silver Ford Explorer XLT. not super-pimp, but it's pretty nice. I drove it off the lot with 24 miles on it. last night, as the odometer ticked 81 miles, my troubles began. the transmission started slipping. i completed my errand and was on my way to take it in when BANG! something fell off the car and all the warning lights came on. i again pulled over and checked my shorts to ensure that i had not shit myself. i thought i had blown another rod. fortunately, the car kept running and got me to the dealer. seriously, 81 miles?!

now i'm sure you're saying, "hey dumbass, your old ford engine just blew up, and you bought a new one? retard." well, two things brought me back.

the first: i love how ford's handle and this is what got me to even consider them. i just wish they could build a damn engine/transmission that would work for a while. the second was that they sponsored the ironman. it's stupid, i know, but it worked on me. i was originally trying to find an ironman edition explorer but there were no new ones in the state of illinois.

ford tough...yea, tough as a the back of my nutbag.

i love the smell of 5w20 in the morning

2007-10-02T21:00:00.000-05:00

Sunday is the day for my favorite outdoor soccer league. These guys are amazing. I look forward all week to playing with them. Sunday morning, I went for an oil change before my game. Normally, I do it myself, but I was running short of time and I was already pushing well into the better-do-it-now range. Upon getting out of the shop, I headed down I290. I keeping up with traffic (read: speeding my ass off) when there was an exceptionally loud bang, a whole bunch of smoke, and an engine that wouldn't go. As it turns out, I blew a rod (strait through the damn oilpan) and, long story short, my car is toast. A couple of buddies picked me up from the mechanic and we went downtown to the second of my double-header matches. The other team neglected to show up. WTF! Combine that with the fact that i fell down half a flight of stairs moving a friend on saturday and it makes for a pretty shitty weekend.

So why am I telling you this? I bought a new car last night. Pop quiz: which kind of car did mike buy?

how do you like them apples?

2007-10-02T08:55:00.000-05:00

Having my manager quit has not been without it's share of rough patches. The past couple of weeks have been crazy hectic with real job projects and store emergencies.

Given that my priorities lie with my real job, I've screwed up a lot of things at the store. One of them was forgetting to order produce for this weekend.

I get the call friday afternoon that we only have 70 apples. The count for the day was 260. Well shit. I call up my boys at Testa produce and order up two boxes for pickup. I take the CTA bus down to their warehouse and pick up my order. As I'm signing the bill, they ask where my car is. I laugh, sigh, and tell them "Palatine. I'm taking the bus and train."

It was like a scene out of a movie. Eight guys just stopped what they were doing and stared at me like i was out of my mind. I don't know if you've ever seen a volume bushel of apples, but it weighs about 35lbs...and i had two...and i'm a pussy.

One of the guys grabs a box and helps me out to the bus stop. He puts it down and starts shaking his head. According to Eddie, who came out shortly after, as soon as I left, there was quite the discussion about how I was going to handle these things. As I stand on the street corner looking like an apple-pimp, Eddie comes out and yells that he's going to drive me up to the train station. Wow am I grateful.

I get to the train station and boy...it's a bitch to get through a revolving door with two cases of apples, a gym bag, and a laptop bag. How the hell do really fat people operate in this world? The looks through the train station were hysterical as i'm grunting and sweating and cursing getting these things to the train. The conductor of my train even tried to direct me towards the Union Pacific freight line.

I think he was drunk...seriously. His announcements for the different stops were odd at best ("next stop, Dee Road! Home of happy hounds doggy day care! Get off the train you dogs!"). needless to say, he is my kind of conductor.

Finally, arriving at my stop, I jump off the train and grab my apples. I'm about sick of carrying them so i leave them on the street corner to pull my car around. As I'm pulling up, a police car slows to inspect. Apparently, apples can be confused with bombs nowadays. What a sad world.

calling john t. crapper!

2007-10-02T08:52:00.000-05:00

I have long held the belief that the handicapped stall is the mercedes-benz of crappers. spacious, a solid wall on one side, generally cleaner than the others, and handrails for the powerdump all combine to maximize the excremental experience.
On Saturday, having commandeered the handicap stall and comfortably situated myself atop the "cadillac of poopin' stools", i was greatly alarmed to discover that the toilet paper dispenser had been mounted on the opposite wall of the stool. i'm stuck. I can't reach the tp! i'm not about to just get up and mosey on over there so i start to get concerned.

By dumb luck, the bag that i had with me is also the bag i take to my races. And as anyone who has been in a large scale race before will tell you, you should always pack your own tp (there's never enough in the outhouses). Crisis averted. Now to track down the retarded architect who specified that one and beat him with a canoe paddle. Imagine if I were truly wheelchair bound. I'd be pissed!!

the themesong from cats

2007-09-26T12:52:00.000-05:00

What an incredibly memorable weekend...seriously...

friday night hebs, sarah, baf, cindy and i went out to Buddy Guy's Legends to celebrate the completion of the ironman. we got there early and got 4 stools. as the person next to me got up to leave i quickly grabbed their stool so that everyone could sit down. as i was about to move it, i noticed a man approaching intent on sitting there. haha sucker! too fast for you! as my butt hit his chair, i looked back at a very familiar face. i had just stolen Buddy Guy's bar stool. a bouncer appears from nowhere with a spare stool and puts it next to mine. i ended up spending my night bullshitting with one of the greatest blues guittarists ever. wow.

saturday was spent out playing soccer or on the bike. i'm currently playing 4 days a week. nothing special here folks. move along.

sunday was another incredible day. a good friend of mine and fellow waterski junky, becca, along with her friend megan and boyfriend adam met my parents and i at the snack shack...the world's finest breakfast establishment. i was given a singing Dora birthday balloon and the entire snack shack crew sang and gave me an enormous chocolate birthday cake. fortunately, becca spared me my "birthday princess" tiara until we got back home. yea, i wore it. post breakfast we went out on the water and tore it up for a couple of hours. holy crap was i sore on monday!

more ironman pictures

2007-09-18T19:06:00.000-05:00

http://www.asiorders.com/view_user_event.asp?EVENTID=15491&BIB=413&S=230&PWD=

random thoughts from the rails

2007-09-18T18:46:00.000-05:00

this post brought to you by metra rail, a sprint air card, and the number 4.

1. as i took the train home late last night after soccer, a hoard of drunken cubs fans entered. I was trying to fall asleep for a few minutes and their drunk, loud, obnoxiousness kept me awake. I was getting pretty frustrated (because i've NEVER been loud, drunk, and obnoxious...never...umm...heh...ok) but then realized that I will gladly deal with loud, obnoxious, drunk people on the train than let them be loud, obnoxious, and drunk behind the wheel.
2. any idea how to discreetly scratch your ass on the train with someone sitting next to you? yea, i don't know either. and it itches.
3. thoughts turn to waterskiing as it is 87 degrees outside. sadly, the boat will need be pulled soon before i risk the freezing of the engine.
4. everything at the store is going to hell. broken equipment, key personnel quitting, not enough time in my day to take care of everything. If I weren't so damn stubborn, i would throw in the towel. maybe i should. it feels like it just opened. sleep is becoming more and more scarce.
5. the new job is going well. it's exciting, interesting, and challenging. i refuse to speak like a consultant. this may be short lived. i don't know how long i can leverage my obstinance to synergize with my kpi's to create an opportunity with my chocolate salty balls.

a tale of two stories

2007-09-11T15:40:00.000-05:00

I’ve been debating how to blog about Sunday’s experience completing my first ironman. Over the course of 12 hours, a lot of different things happened to me. Some were scary, some were funny, and some were just interesting. I’ve decided on writing two stories for each significant portion. This will force me to be much briefer than I otherwise would.

Pre-race:
1. During the race expo, a friend of mine was having her bike worked on by an absolutely brilliant mechanic. Since I know relatively little about bikes, I mentioned that I ought to have him check mine out too. He agreed and told us to go have lunch and he’d have everything ready by the time we got back. Upon our return, he informed me that my impending doom had been averted. A nut had come off of my rear brake and could have left me without that very useful device. He also made “several minor adjustments”. What he did not say is that he added rocket fuel to my pedals. More to come on this later. Stay tuned.
2. As my last post stated, I was getting a case of nerves going. Well, a couple days after I wrote that, I calmed down and everything went back to normal. I was sleeping fine, eating well, and in general just relaxed about the whole race. Then came the drive from the expo to the hotel. It was one of those images that will be burned into my memory for a long time. I was making a left had turn on to Blair Street, the light had just turned green, my foot hadn’t hit the gas pedal yet, the song on the radio had just ended, and my stomach just went apeshit. For the rest of the night I would try to deny the fact that I was scared but that didn’t happen. I slept for maybe 4 hours that night and when I woke up, I thought I was going to puke. Zack dropped me off at the start and I headed down to the water. While we were waiting to get in, the sun rose over the lake and reminded me of watching the sunset at the lake. Suddenly, all was right in the world. It was gametime.

Swim:
1. When 2400 people all start swimming the same direction at the same time, chaos is the rule of the moment. I was kicked, gouged, horse collared, dunked, and splashed. Nothing compares to what I did to a fellow triathlete. We had just rounded the second corner and I my right hand was spearing the water. Just before my fingertips penetrated the surface, I made contact with a different surface. Teeth. And the inside of a cheek. My sentiments of disgust were only surpassed by how badly I felt for owner of the mouth that I had just gouged with the full force of my swim stroke.
2. I never understood why people wear speedos under their wetsuits. The wetsuit is going to compress everything down and cover it with smoothskin anyways. I don’t own any speedos and I don’t ever intend to so I wore my Hawaiian board shorts underneath. I got more than one “did you see that guy?” on the way into the changing area. I was amused.

Bike:
1. After the first transition (T1), I waved to Michael and Suzanne, ungracefully jumped on my bike and rode off. I arrived in Verona, where the bike loop starts a mere 40 minutes later. Oh crap. WAY too fast. That was supposed to take an hour. I tried to focus on conserving energy but whatever Darren, the magician mechanic, did to my bike, it just wanted to go. Even when it was brand new, that bike has never ridden so smoothly. I ended up finishing the bike section 45 minutes faster than I had planned. Wow.
2. I heard some version of the phrase “how are you liking the ironman without aerobars? Are you nuts?” at least 5 times from various bikers. I took that as a compliment. And the last two that said it, I passed.

Run:
1. The run portion of the race was incredible. Lots of fan support and lots of aid stations (I stopped at every single one). At approximately mile 6, I met up with Ilya Signayevsky (if anyone out there knows him, put him in touch with me or leave a comment). For 20 miles, we chatted and kept our minds off of the grind of knocking down each mile. I’d like to say I dragged him through the rough parts as much as he dragged me, but I don’t think that’s the case. And when Michael and Hebs joined in the run, it was like we were just out on the lake front path enjoying the day. Beautiful scenery, cool breeze, water crashing in, legs about to fall off…
2. My fan club was amazing. Mom, Dad, Michael, Suzanne, Hebs, Zack, Todd, Shane, Jen, Lauren, the three hot Illini girls that got louder every time I passed them and demanded high fives, the people on the Tour de France tunnel going up those murderous hills. When I’m breaking down and my head starts to drop, I feed off of their energy. A run with a crowd is immediately two miles shorter than when you’re by yourself. Between my crew and my illini triathlon jersey, I had 100 friends up there.

Finish:
Only one story. Early in the run, I had asked a favor of my support crew. I wanted them to make sure Mom was 20 feet from the finish line so I could cross with her. They did an exceptional job of putting her right where she needed to be, which, in that large of a crowd of spectators, was not an easy thing to accomplish, I’m sure. Thanks guys.

Pictures: Zack’s and the Jeschke’s

nerves of iron

2007-09-03T11:00:00.000-05:00

i rarely get nervous before races. I was a little on edge for boston but I think it was more excitement of getting there than anything else. Lately though, I'm beginning to think that I'm truly nervous for Ironman Wisconsin. Why? Normally, it takes me less than 10 minutes to fall asleep. Half of the time, I don't even remember going to bed. For the past two weeks, I find myself laying in bed, tired, but not sleepy. Perhaps it is the fact that i've been a lazy-ass for the past three months and I've finally caught up on all the sleep I lost when the store opened.

Lately, I've been having dreams about race day. The latest involved me showing up to the race without a bike and no running shoes. Wow...that would suck.

Well, ahead of me is a week long carb loading extravaganza. The folks at Olive Garden certainly made a mistake bringing back their never ending pasta bowl for September. I think i'll be eating there every night this week.

the simanek six: six stupid things today

2007-06-10T21:11:00.000-05:00

1. i dragged my ass out of bed this morning at 5am to go for 60ish mile bike ride and, upon walking into my garage, walked strait into my bike up on the workstand (chest/eye level). as bricktop would say, "it's not exactly incon-fucking-spicuous now is it?"
2. on the drive downtown to the start of the bike ride, i was in an old school hip-hop mood. and i was tired. just short of my destination, i found myself with head on hand leaned over on the arm rest(ala gangsta lean) with MC Lyte bumpin' away. skinny white kid + gansta lean + loud hip hop + real gangsta's = strange looks and hysterical laughter.
3. one of the guys on the ride this morning got FOUR flat tires. that sucked.
4. apparently, i'm not the only one with retarded customers. down at maxwell street market after the bike ride, we stopped for tacos. the customer in front of us asked the man behind the counter what a tamale was. fair enough, not everyone knows about mexican food. the guy behind the counter explains that it's meat covered in dough and cooked in a corn husk. quoth the lady, "what's dough?" "you know, like flour...you don't know what dough is?" "no". clearly, darwin's theory of natural selection missed this one.
5. driving back from work tonight, i witnessed a guy trying to kiss his girlfriend while smoking a cigarette. wow...
6. this one is not so much stupid as it is strange...i just ate my 3rd chocolate covered strawberry ever. i'm still not a fan.

conference!

2007-06-04T23:14:00.000-05:00

i just got back from a conference put on by and for other franchise owners. it was probably the most useful two days i have ever spent relating to the store. we shared ideas, experiences, and more than one or two retarded-customer stories. it's hard to believe how willing these people are to help each other. some of the attendees have stores that provide them with "healthy" incomes and they are just as intent on learning new things as those that are struggling. even after meetings were done each day, we inevitabley met in the bar for drinks, stories, brain-picking, and general debauchery.

and what conference would be complete without a 1am drunken denny's run? not only were we the rowdiest table in the joint but i masterfully attempted to sexually harass the other customers while yelling across the room at 'swamp-ass' to pass the ketchup. i know, i'm good at multitasking. what can i say?

a month late

2007-05-30T02:17:00.000-05:00

it's a month overdue but the boat is getting wet today!!! WOO!! unfortunately, i will probably not be able to ski.

honesty is the best policy...riiiiiiiight

2007-05-28T23:43:00.000-05:00

my new policy for when women ask relationship questions: go against what the booze is telling you and lie like crazy.

hi there

2007-05-25T01:04:00.000-05:00

lots of attention to this blog from corporate lately. hi guys.

photos

2007-05-23T20:49:00.000-05:00

as promised to my two regular readers, here are three of my favorite wedding pictures. there were too many really funny shots to put up here so if you want to laugh your ass off for a good 20 minutes, get me to show you the rest of them next time i see you. please note that there was liberal usage of alcohol before these were taken. thanks again to V and Walti. excellent work!

Marrying the groomsmen

Contemplating the loss of pants

Who loves me? You love me! You know you do!

strippers

2007-05-20T16:28:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine from soccer had his bachelor party last night. At the end of the evening, the 'entertainment' arrived and put on a show. I love women just as much as the next guy (who doesn't live on north halsted) but I've never been comfortable around strippers. These two were out to make me as uncomfortable as possible. When they brought out the Dewalt impact drill, I was forced to excuse myself to the bathroom. That was simply too much for me. I also hear that during my extended urinal break, i missed out on a magic trick where one of them made her entire forearm disappear. I'm thankful for not seeing that either.

for the record

2007-05-17T19:58:00.000-05:00

i want to go on public record to state that a medium rare t-bone steak and a properly dirty (do you expect it any other way with me?) hendricks gin martini with garlic stuffed olives is one of the greatest combinations on god's green earth.

marriage is what brings us together........today

2007-05-17T00:24:00.000-05:00

last weekend was the drunken debauchery laden experience of hebda's wedding. we started out on friday with a godawful round of golf. it was fun but damn am i bad at that sport. thank god for budweiser. we return from golf to be greeted by a tailgate party in the parking lot of the hotel. this got all of us good and primed for the rehearsal dinner.

we head to the church, get our rehearsal on, and head to the next boozing station. the groomsmen take this opportunity to plot the demise of our dear friend and determine that a late night shaving cream-a-thon is in order. upon returning to the hotel, i, unfortunately, passed out. thank goodness for V, Cary, and Walti and their dedication to the art of 4am hebda-harassment.

saturday morning upon arriving at the church, the shenanigans really got under way. the groomsmen were given the basement of the church to call home for the next 3 hours. we made the most of it. yes, that's right, i'm going to hell. we really drank, played cards, and gambled in a church.

now it was time for pictures. that's yours truly doing the aerial pelvic thrust in front of the cross. yup, still going to hell. believe it or not, this was one of the more decent ones. i'll post the masterpiece as soon as i get my hands on it.

after the ceremony, we hit the booze bus (could have been nicknamed champagne-central) to take us to the reception. once there, i took my groove/shake/jigginess to a new level. if you were female, i danced with you at least once throughout the night. it didn't matter if you were 70 or 17 (yes, there are photos of both instances).

sunday can be summed up in one word: hangover.

even with the hangover it was an amazing weekend. good friends, good times, good booze.

to help other people at all times

2007-04-28T22:31:00.000-05:00

this morning i knocked out a nasty hangover by doing 8 hard miles through the forest preserve. on my first lap around, i noticed a crew of kids and adults replacing old rotted out fence posts and rails. at first, i thought this might be a community service thing but upon rounding the next corner of the path, i saw a second crew doing the same thing. one of the adults was wearing a boy scout t-shirt.

on my second lap around, i asked the boy scout shirt if this was an eagle scout project. it was. the adult pointed out the candidate and i offered my congratulations and wished him luck.

i continued on my run and began planning out all of the things i had to do today. clean up house, clean out car, finish store budget, blah blah blah. on the third lap, i threw all of it out the window. to make a long story short, i went home, changed, and spent an absolutely gorgeous afternoon helping out a perfect stranger with his eagle project by digging post holes and hauling lumber around. it felt pretty darn good.

as i reflect on the afternoon, i notice how much i have changed since i did my project. i was a lot like this eagle candidate...always be doing the hard work. he was constantly hauling stuff around and digging. he, just like i did, will eventually learn the lesson that managing your team effectively is far more valuable than doing the grunt work. i tried to subtly tell him this but, as it was not my show, it was not my place to say anything. on several occasions, i had a hard time resisting the urge to jump into a leadership role. my how i've changed.

rise up against the man!

2007-04-27T11:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Dominick's

I'm writing to inform of your lack of a reasonable version of dark rye bread in your vast selection of yeast enabled products. Your deli carries a remarkabley good cracked pepper pastrami and to surround it by the travesty of dough that you label "hearty rye" is an insult to the entire baking industry. Your immediate corrective action is requested.

Sincerely,

Kneading Good Bread

photog-fu

2007-04-22T22:08:00.000-05:00

thanks to hsandhol for her exceptional photography of my boston experience. check this. my favorites:
3 - these were hung from a building undergoing construction near the finish line
7 - this was right out in front of our hotel
12 - you can see me smiling a mile away. this was at mile 25.2 and i think i'm the only one that's actually happy at this point.
16 - striking a pose for the camera. "got your tickets to the gun show?"

The first life goal - check.

2007-04-18T23:53:00.000-05:00

Boston was my first race where I've had to travel. For chicago, I can tell you what i'll be doing down to the very minute up until the time of the gun. Boston was odd. I had no idea what to expect.

5:30am - get up, cram down a powerbar, get dressed.
6am - head out the door. it's pouring rain and REALLY windy. I get scared.
6:30am - get on bus and head to Hopkinton, the starting point.
7:30 - get to the school gymnasium where I claim some floor space, put down my stuff. Fall asleep for an hour. This is all backwards. Normally, I've got no nervous energy until race morning. I guess I spent it all the week before.
8:30 - break out ballpoint pen and write motivation on my left arm. Cram down shot blocks and another powerbar. Suck down a bottle of gatorade.
9:30 - change my mind for the 10th time about what i'm going to wear to keep from freezing and getting soaked. head to start corral and thanks to the garbage bag, only my head gets soaked.
10 - gun goes off and here we go.

i won't bore you with the mile by mile except to highlight a few sections of the race. I'd heard rumors of the Wellesly girls and how loud these ladies can be for the racers. at mile 12, i heard the cheering. what i didn't realize was that they were more than a half mile away. when we got to them, it was deafening. I think I high-fived every one of them on my way through.

at mile 16 was the first of 4 hills. It was bad, but my legs are surprisingly accustomed to them. On all 4 of them, i blew by boatloads of people. Mile 20 was Heartbreak Hill, the final hill. This was the start of my going mental. I started singing to myself. "heartbreak's gonna be my bitch to-day, do dah, do dah" (to the tune of camptown races).

Mile 21 was downhill and my legs and feet were really hurting from the lack of training. It is, however, quite amazing what a good dose of crazy can do for you.

Mile 22 comes around and I catch my first glimpse of the Prudential Building. I smile. Big. Dumb. Grin. A mid 40's lady sees me as I run by and cheers me on "22 miles and still smiling! Go 4433!" Bigger. Dumb. Grin.

Mile 23 and the crowds are getting big. Strangely enough, most of the crowds are quite young. My age or younger. I witness a 50 year old runner chug a beer offered to him by one of the fans. Amazing...and stupid. Even I'm not that crazy. But I start high fiving tons and tons of fans. Every time I hit a hand, my feet get lighter.

Mile 25 - As I'm doling out the high fives, I pass a girl holding up a sign. "25 kisses for 25 miles". I get 4 steps past her. I stop. I turn around. I go back. I lay one on her. The crowd goes nuts! I laugh like crazy and do my "rocky conquering the stairs" act and jog away from her with my arms raised in the air.

Mile 25.2 - I spot Tim's jacket and see Holly ready and waiting with the camera. I slow down. I slow way down. I walk. I strike a pose. I do a runway walk. I strike another pose. "i'm too sexy for this race, too sexy for this race..." I strike a third pose. i take off.

1/2 mile left. We round the corner and I can see the finish line. I start my natural look-for-people-to-pick-off routine but my eyes keep returning to the finish line. My grin gets bigger and my pace gets quick. I admit that I had a tear or two in my eyes knowing that I was about to conquer a huge milestone. Normally, I get angry at the end of a race trying to pick people off. This was very different. I felt...greed. I looked at the finish line with more desire than for any of Playboy's centerfolds. No, I'm not gay. Now shut your face.

1/4 mile left and my legs are no longer tired. nothing hurts. my feet are light and flying over the ground. i bet my last 1/4 was less than 1:20. other runners seem like they're standing still.

finish line - biggest. dumb. grin. ever. oh yea, and all the pain returns.

The Boston 26

2007-04-18T23:00:00.000-05:00

Running long distance is just as much about the mental game as it is the physical game. For most races I come up with 3 to 5 reasons that I'm running. With as important as Boston is to me, I came up with 26 reasons. Most of the them are people but some are just things that got me going. Here they are (some of them you will never get to know...just deal).

Mile 1: Mom & Dad who, even though they thought i was putting myself in danger, still supported me from day 1 of my first marathon.
Mile 2: The Baf mile. Because he's dealt with something harder than I ever will and did it with an incredible sense of humor.
Mile 3: Scott. My brother who ran my third marathon with me. The best finish line ever.
Mile 4: Val, who first gave me the idea to do a marathon.
Mile 5: Suzanne, who gave me my own non race number piece of memorabilia that has made my wall.
Mile 6: All six of my neices and nephews.
Mile 7: Zschiel's mile for being my first running partner.
Mile 8:
Mile 9:
Mile 10: The top 10%...of everything.
Mile 11: Post race food. Lots and lots of post race food.
Mile 12: Ammie's mile for freezing her tail off during my qualifying race and for teaching me a whole lot about myself.
Mile 13: Half way home. Keep your form, keep your pace. You'll be fine.
Mile 14: Racing fork lifts with Michael.
Mile 15: Because feeling awful can still feel good.
Mile 16: Lohner. The man who showed me how murderous yet satisfying hills can be.
Mile 17: As it turns out, I left mile 17 off my cheat sheet and only discovered this when i went to copy it to my arm on monday morning. So i guess i only came up with 25.
Mile 18: Tiff and Ethan for cheering on Scott and I at mile 18 back in Chicago.
Mile 19: Because just like life, hills are hard. Get used to it.
Mile 20: Heartbreak hill. The legend of Boston.
Mile 21: The RMCF crew. If I didn't have such a great, reliable crew, I'd still be working 100 hours/week.
Mile 22: The Hebda Challenge. Hebs managed to extract the most competitive beast in me yet and taught me that i can force myself to do damn near anything for 4 miles.
Mile 23: Tonya's mile. No matter how bad my legs will hurt at this point, she's dealt with worse and always with a smile.
Mile 24: Eric, who made Boston (or Somerville) his home for 7 years.
Mile 25: Tim & Holly who were there for both qualifying and the victory lap to check this one off.
Mile 26: This mile was all mine.

long overdue ski trip post

2007-04-18T22:35:00.000-05:00

the movie is now up from my spectacular ass kicking delivered by the double black diamond that is pakalolo. check it out here (thanks V).

as i have blogged before, the ski trip is always intense both physically and mentally. we ski hard and then at night turn to some topic of debate over drinks.

this year featured the evil infused device called the monoski adapter. Essentially you attach both feet to a single piece of wood that then attaches to a single ski. V jumps in first and makes it look easy. Sure, I can do this. Did I mention that he and his dad are the top skiers on this trip? I get into this thing and Holy Frosty's Snowballs is it hard. i don't think i made it more than 15 feet without falling. But then again, i'm the least talented skier on the trip.

not good

2007-04-11T18:28:00.000-05:00

so monday may take every bit of stubborness that i have. i just received this email from the Boston Athletic Assocation:

Wednesday, April 11 - As the Boston Athletic Association continues to make preparations for Monday's Boston Marathon, we are monitoring the upcoming weather conditions forecast for this area. Based on the National Weather Service's most recent report and in cooperation with the Executive Office of Public Safety (Commonwealth of Massachusetts) and the Massachusetts Emergency Management Agency, together with the eight cities and towns along the 26.2-mile marathon route, we are planning for likely heavy rain and windy conditions on race day. However, all race day plans remain the same. The Boston Athletic Association advises participants in Monday's race to plan accordingly for their run, bringing with them gear and apparel to suit the conditions. The B.A.A. will continue to update its web site as necessary.

oh shit! i never thought i would ask this question in seriousness but, whatever will i wear?!

nerves

2007-04-10T01:24:00.000-05:00

I never get nervous before races. I've lacked confidence in some but with the exception of one half-ironman, i've slept like a baby the nights before every race. I usually don't even get the pre-race jitters until an hour or two before the gun goes off.

Last night, I could not sleep at all. Simply out of stubborness, i know i'll finish the race, so it's not a confidence issue. The problem is trying to get myself mentally ready for how badly i know this one is going to hurt. Between not being able to run more than 16 miles and jacking up my right ankle during the ski trip, i'm concerned with my pain tolerance level.

I think I'm obsessing about this a bit too much. it's now 2:30am and it's still all i'm thinking about.

ski trip post is coming as soon as i get the video footage back of my spectacular fall.

shuffling along

2007-03-25T23:57:00.000-05:00

This morning was my favorite 5-miler, the shamrock shuffle. i ran a respectable 32:06. this was 28 seconds away from my PR set last year with a 31:38. last year, only 12 girls beat me, this year, 28. dammit!!

two ego boosters:
after my legs started to really start complaining around mile 2, i spotted a guy in a shirt that had the word "hard" written on the back of it. he immediately became a target. i tracked him through mile 4 where i finally overtook him.

after i had passed "hard" i located my next target, Mr. Yellow Brooks Jersey. with about .5 mile to go, i waited for the angry juices to take over. they were nowhere to be found. i gutted out passing Mr. YBJ and started selecting my next victim...navy blue. still not angry. very strange. Around .2 left in the race, I started gunning for him. no angry juice. wtf! .1 left and who do i see 10 steps ahead of me on the right hand side of the street. noneother than the late Mr. YBJ.

you will not get away with this motherfucker.

Time for the hammer to drop. I let the legs go and with the vomit coming as we crossed the finish line, I managed to catch him. I knew it was close but upon checking the results tonight, bib 1135 and I have the same clock time, but my bib number is on top. My foot hit the timing mat first. ha!

in other running news, congrats to Mr. Zschiel on his second (and hellish) 26.2. Despite dangerously hot conditions and crappy aid stations, he knocked 8 minutes off his marathon best!!! Excellent job!!

a hard fought victory

2007-03-13T00:25:00.000-05:00

tonight was my coed soccer league. it will likely be the last session that I play on a coed team since, even though we have 5 girls on our team, none of them ever show up. it sucks. tonight was one such night. the rule is that you have to have two girls on the field at all times. you can play with less, but you can't sub in a guy. you'll just play a man short. since no girls showed up for my team tonight, we decided to see just how good of shape we were all in. we played two short the whole night.

i have never run so hard or so much when i've had my goalie gloves on. it was nuts. i picked the wrong day to do a 13 mile run right before a match. but as luck would have it, every one of us was having the games of our lives. even yours truly managed to dribble down the entire field on more than one occasion and still made it back to block shots.

i felt like puking when it was over, but we won. 3 to 2. insert big stupid grin here.

the grand experiment

2007-03-06T01:02:00.000-06:00

lately, instead of working out, i've been slacking off, screwing off, or jerking off (aren't you glad you checked my blog today so you could read that?) i've now pissed away 10 weeks of training for boston with a handful of runs to show for it. i've now got 6 weeks to show time. two of those weeks are taper weeks so i've really only got 4 weeks left to get to two 20 milers. my longest run to date has been 10 miles and it did NOT feel good.

my body has been able to put up with a lot of shit that i've thrown at it over the years but this may really test my limits. my biggest fear is injury, especially with ironman training ramping up immediately after boston.

so how am i going to get marathon ready in 4 weeks? here it is:

training: to minimize injury, i'm only going to run 3 times a week. one speedwork session, one long run, and one recovery run each week. i'll bump up each week's long run by 3 miles each week (WAY more than the 10% increase commonly recommended, hence only 3 runs per week to allow for healing). to augment the lost extra runs, i'll swim 4 times per week, two long swims, 1 speed session, and 1 form session (recovery). to keep my knees sane, i'll hit the bike only twice per week. one speed session, one recovery...nothing long. i'll also take one day off per week from everything.

nutrition: drinking is off limits until t/hsandhol toss me a budweiser as I cross the finish line. i'll eat within 20 minutes of finishing each workout to speed up the recovery process. i just further expanded my credit card debt by purchasing two big canisters of endurox, and 24 clif bars to help with that. and thanks to the peer pressure of one zschiel, i'll maintain my hydration level during my runs as it cuts recovery time easily in half (from long runs).

lifestyle: sleeping 8 hours is going to be mandatory (starting tomorrow). eating 4 times per day and no longer skipping meals is also pretty key. also, to further prevent injury, i'm going to stretch every day and force myself to use that tortuous device known as the foam roller for my IT band issues (can't wait for that one...ugh).

can i be boston ready in 4 weeks and not injured? we'll see.

p.s. finger update: that damn thing still hasn't stopped bleeding and now my 'e', 'd', and 'c' keys are sticky and a funny color.

paging dr. stitch!

2007-03-05T12:43:00.000-06:00

it's amazing how badly you can fuck up a finger with a loose bread knife.

my morning

2007-02-28T10:18:00.000-06:00

when i'm not immediately running out the door, my morning takes on a pretty fixed structure. make coffee, check yesterday's numbers, watch cnbc and eat breakfast.

instead of the normal Morning Call program being on, this morning i was treated to Ben Bernanke's testimony to the congressional oversight committee. the oversight committee is divided into 3 groups, the smart, the retards, and the tricky bastards. it was very informative to hear Mr. Bernanke answer the smart folks. it was even better watching him make stupid people look even dumber. at one point, i'm surprised he didn't just look at the congresswoman and say "well duh!". but the best, by far, was when a congressman was trying to get Bernanke to say something rash to strike up some fear to benefit the congressman's cause. mr. bernanke waltzed around the question, called out the congressman, and verbally bitchslapped him for trying to do so.

and i thought Greenspan was good.

soccer chicks

2007-02-20T00:43:00.000-06:00

about a month ago, i started playing regularly in a coed indoor soccer league. this was my first experience playing against girls and wondered how i would react to it. up until tonight, there was really no reason for my ultra-competitive side to get me in any hot water with my gentlemanly side.

normally, if a girl goes down in the vicinity of me, i'll stop to help her up. how do i get repaid for this tonight? on the next several plays, this chick starts trash talking me, kicks me in the hand that i broke last year, really fucks up my rib cage on a scramble for a loose ball, and later, knees me in the head against the boards. had this been a guy, i would have retaliated a long time ago. i thought about instructing my defense to just let her through so i could take the 1on1. fortunately, i managed to keep my temper under control.

so you, dear readers, are subjected to my venting about this particular soccer chick. what a bitch.

update

2007-02-09T00:08:00.000-06:00

for some reason, several recent posts have gone missing. one of them was my "i hate people volume 7". i know how much both of you readers enjoy my rants about the complete idiocy of people but i'm simply too lazy to rewrite the whole thing. here's the short version.

customer walks in. customer buys something. customer leaves. customer comes back in. customer opens blowhole. customer does best impression ever of retard-acting-like-normal-person. customer is told they are dumb. customer gets upset. customer is told they are still dumb.

ok, now that that's out of the way, on to more stuff you don't care about.

race/training update:
-hotel is booked and tsandhol/succubus are joining me for the weekend.
-i ran 9 outside yesterday. you know it's cold when you've got an 'inny' for a dick. i have since ordered windproof undies.
-i swam 2800 meters this morning. my man boobs hurt.
-double workout scheduled for tomorrow. 6 mile run in the morning. 60 minutes on the bike at night. yuck.
-hustle up the hancock is coming up. i'm shooting for 12 minutes...but 13 is more likely.

worst workout ever

2007-01-25T22:58:00.000-06:00

i accidentally missed a swim lesson on monday morning and was given a workout to do as pennance. 200 meter warmup. then, 6 reps of 50 meters as hard and fast as i could go. 150 meters cool down. lather, rinse, repeat twice. all in all it was 1500 meters (warmup laps included). ok, that doesn't sound too bad now does it?

enter the kicker:

for the first and last 15 feet of each length, i was not allowed to breathe. the first and last 15 feet weren't bad. the middle 30, my lungs felt like i had just inhaled molten lava. by the time i was done, i was literally grabbing on to the edge of the pool to pull my head out of the water at the end of each 50.

it sucked.

hot...very hot...

2007-01-25T22:34:00.000-06:00

i went out on a date last night to dinner and dancing (yes, i actually agreed to go shake my tookas in public without having any booze in me). unfortunately, we missed the lesson part of the dancing so i was intimidated beyond belief and forced into wallflower mode. so my date and I sat and watched some VERY impressive dancers.

throughout the night, pretty much everybody switched partners but it became very apparent who the two best were. when those two eventually danced together, it was porn on hardwood. i have NEVER seen anything that sexy where clothes weren't removed. hell, even when clothes were removed, it doesn't beat those two dancing.

in short, i was in awe. i will be going back. and i will learn.

music

2007-01-19T01:09:00.000-06:00

i think i may have posted about this before but tough cookies...if you don't like it, don't read it.

there are a couple of things that can instantly put me somewhere else. a certain smell can remind me of days gone by or a temperature/wind combination can put me at race day for my first marathon. more than anything else however, certain songs can send a memory crashing through my brain and instantly destroying reality for a split second.

For example:

the first few measures of 'big yellow taxi' by counting crows puts me in the boat getting ready to waterski.

'gin and juice' by phish and i'm living with zack during my first summer at motorola.

i hear 'song that jane likes' by dave matthews band and i'm in my college dorm room hanging out with tsandhol.

on the rare occasion that 'worlds collide' by powerman5000 comes on the radio, i reach for my mouse and sidewinder to go "blow shit up" (code for Unreal Tournament).

"finest worksong" by R.E.M. plays and I've got a huge crush on a girl back in high school again.

"Jump!" by Bon Jovi and i'm 6 years old and, with the help of my brother, pretending to be a rock star.

on my recent trip to texas (a post about this will come soon), a new one got added. 'let your love flow' by the bellamy brother will forever transport me to a texas bar where i have a pool cue in hand just hanging out with my brother and having a beer.

there are many more songs that do this to me but the funny thing about them is that i have a very hard time remembering which ones they are. it just kind of works out that way.

good eats

2006-12-28T00:32:00.000-06:00

alton brown is god. a very hillarious god.

el fin.

please santa. please!

2006-12-22T22:17:00.000-06:00

dear santa,

i have been a very good boy this year. i no longer want the yacht, the bike, or the porsche. i really truly with all my heart only want one thing this year for christmas. please make me stop shitting my brains out every 20 minutes.

sincerely,

mikey

what a shitty week

2006-12-19T22:44:00.000-06:00

let's see how many things can go wrong in the busiest two weeks of my year:

1. my sink breaks and leaks all over the floor.
2. my xm radio craps out.
3. my truck for the store is very very late.
4. a special order ends up being FAR more complicated than it should be and may end up late.
5. my computer dies a horrible death (hence no recent posts) and i've lost the single most important file that i have (my backup of it is over a month old). it will cost me a good 5 solid days of work to get caught up if not more.
6. i get food poisioning that lasts through the second busiest weekend of the year and end up running between customers and the bathroom for two days. wow did that suck.
7. a good employee who i really like ends up screwing me over. disappointment is a bitch.
8. the very large check for said special order ends up in a dumpster. it has since been recovered...thank god.
9. and today, my toilet AND my garbage disposal have started acting up.

just 5 more days...

santa

2006-12-07T19:20:00.000-06:00

seeing tsandhol's letter to santa made me think about my own christmas list. well, folks, here it is.

1. this
2. that
3. and one of these

fudge wars - the grease trap strikes back

2006-12-04T19:49:00.000-06:00

it stinks in here. bad. like somebody ate way too much taco bell after a hard night of drinking cheapnasty beer and became old faithful. except in the opposite direction. see this post for more info on the grease trap.

every employee gets the grease trap speech. i want as little as possible to go down the drain so we can delay opening that bad mother up for as long as possible. i go so far as to open the outlet valve so they know just how bad even a tiny whiff can be. forcing someone's eyes to roll back in their head and go into convulsions, i've found to be quite effective at making my point.

i recently gave the speech to a newer employee and they agreed that it was bad...but not that bad. i was dumbfounded. as if my jaw wasn't already on the floor, they followed it up with an offer to clean it out for me. sweet jesus's donkey.

yesterday after the store closed, they followed through on their offer. not only did they empty out 30 gallons of grease trap goo using nothing but a ladle, but then scrubbed it out with a sponge.

i have two theories on management. one of them is that i will never ask an employee to do what i myself, am unwilling to do. not for all the playboy centerfolds would i scrub the grease trab out with a sponge. ok, well, maybe...but it would be a tough decision. but definitely not for 7 bucks an hour.

wanna know the kicker? this employee is a 17 year old high school girl.

and so it begins

2006-11-24T01:04:00.000-06:00

on wednesday, i put in the first of many 18 hours days to come.

today is friday. black friday.

here.
we.
go.

judging the book

2006-11-20T10:53:00.000-06:00

I'm frequently reminded how important appearance is in this business of mine. Just yesterday, a man came up to the ice cream counter, pointed at a bucket of ice cream (instead of reading the labels...but that is a whole other rant) and said "i'll take the strawberry". I grab my weapon and start toward the strawberry cheesecake ice cream. A side note: this ice cream happened to be sitting next to the one he was pointing at, but sometimes it can be really hard to tell where people are pointing through the glass.

"NO! I want that one!"
"Oh, this one is strawberry cheesecake...did you want the peppermint instead?"
"yes, please."

Lesson of the day kids: Customers only know what they want about 25% of the time. The rest is going by look and perception.

Another example:
We have pumpkin fudge. It's really good and has a pretty strong pumpkin flavor to it. However, most people only experience pumpkin through pumpkin pie. Most of the flavor and aroma from pumpkin pie comes from the spices...not the pumpkin itself. At least once a week, we'll get a customer who comes in and samples the pumpkin fudge and claims that it doesn't taste like pumpkin at all. Well, 10% of the loaf is pumpkin and it's a vanilla fudge so i'm pretty sure there's nothing overpowering the pumpkin flavor. I think they just don't realize what they're tasting.

i hate people - part 6

2006-11-19T01:04:00.000-06:00

it's a good thing it isn't legal to possess a firearm in public. i wanted to shoot this bitch in the store today. the first thing she says when i ask her if i can help is "you NEVER have any pecan apples". I explain to her that i was sold out by noon as 3 people each bought 4 of them. I'm not exactly happy about being out of them either as it is costing me sales but at that time, there's really nothing i can do about it. I apologize just as her daughter is asking if i remember who she is.

"you know, I'm the one who ALWAYS comes in and gets an apple!"
to myself - um...if you always come in, there's a pretty good chance i would remember you.
"oh come on. you remember me! I work down at Sirens!"
"oh! of course! I remember!" I'm lying...now please just shut up.
Her mom continues on the pecan apple rave and asks to speak to the manager.
"i'm him."
"oh...well, it's not your fault. you don't make them. can you just ask them to make more next time?"
"well, actually, i DO make them...but yes, I will bump up our count for next week."
"oh...well...so you'll make more?"
***CRASH***
I look to see the daughters hand knock a dog bowl filled with dipped dog bones to the floor.
Daughter: "it wasn't me! It just fell. I didn't touch it."
Neither mom nor daughter makes any move to pick up anything that dropped.

Well, of course she didn't knock the bowl off the counter. I mean, it could have been an earthquake, a ghost, or maybe telekenesis by someone who wanted me to *think* that she did it.

Stupid bitch.

What bothers me most about the whole situation is that neither mom nor daughter ever made a move to correct the situation (i.e. bend your lazy ass over and pick something up for christs sake) or even offer an apology. NOTHING. They just stared at me and waited for me to move. It's just fucking rude. I was about ready to explode so I had one of the girls finish out the transaction with them lest I say something that I'd regret.

Welcome to the holidays...when every idiot asshole comes out of the woodwork and shops for chocolate.

i'm baaaaack

2006-11-16T23:51:00.000-06:00

after the marathon, i promised myself a 3 week break while i pulled everything together to get the store ready for the holidays. ok, so my body needed a rest too. sunday night, hebda and i went for a ride in my living room on the trainers. let me tell you, rollers are a BITCH...and rather scary.

yesterday was my first serious hard swim. today was a ride and swim brick. goddamn am i tired. but at least it helps me work out my frustrations built up by idiot customers. free-apple man has yet to call back but i expect to hear from him saturday or sunday.

you're kidding me, right?

2006-11-13T11:05:00.000-06:00

i received a complaint from a customer this morning. we have a special running at the store for 'buy 3 apples, get the 4th one free'. the customer bought 3 $4 apples and wanted the 4th apple to be a $6 apple. my employee properly explained to him that it was of equal or lesser value for the free apple. this morning, i get a mail from corporate with the guy's complaint. i call him up and he's all upset about our "false advertising". the sign never said that. true, the sign didn't, but the employee did. on principle, i ought to tell him to pull his head out of his ass and quit looking for for free stuff. but, since he might actually come back to the store, i'll give him another goddamn apple.

randomocity

2006-10-31T00:31:00.000-06:00

i just registered for boston this evening.

i haven't run since the marathon. when i jogged from my car to the gym this morning for my swim lesson, i was actually winded. it sucked.

my sleep pattern has been all jacked up lately. too many 'situations' at work. i gotta get myself a day off. i find myself falling back into a pattern i had at college. when it gets late and i get tired, i get nervous about going to bed for fear of not waking up in time the next morning...so i put off going to bed. dumb, yes. but for some reason, that's how my brain works.

the holiday decorations go up at the store next week. it feels like it gets earlier and earlier every year.

boston!

2006-10-23T22:45:00.000-05:00

yesterday was the chicago marathon. 22 miles of fun. 4.2 miles of absolute torture. not only was it insanely cold (never topped 40 while i was running), but the wind didn't make it any easier.

i started out with the 3:10 pace crew to try to get my to my boston qualifying time. we started out doing 6:55ish miles. the pace crew backed off and i decided that, as i was feeling good, i'd try to keep going. i knew i would fall off at the end but wasn't sure that if i were to start hurting at mile 16 or 17, if i'd be able to mentally push through for the final 10 miles. if i could stay ahead of the pace crew until 22 or 23, i could force myself to get dragged along by them for the final 3 miles or so. i'm stubborn enough for 3, but 10...i'm not so sure.

so the miles come and go and up until about 18, i'm completely checked out of reality. i'm just running...no thoughts...no feelings...just running. around 18, reality starts to come back. i start to get some twinges in my legs but nothing severe. mile 20 comes around and the calves start to get upset. still nothing i can't deal with but my pace is noticeably slowing. mile 20.5 the 3:10 pace crew arrives on my right shoulder. oh shit...not good. i needed another couple miles before this. i pull a 'steelhead triathlon' and drop in 40 feet behind them. as i try to hold their pace i notice that they are going significantly faster (~20 seconds per mile) than i was.

ok...so this might hurt a little bit.

we reach mile 21 and things are starting to hurt. still nothing that is going to stop me, but nonetheless, the wheels are getting a little loose. at mile 22, my head is down, my shoulders are hunched over, and satan himself has jabbed me in the right calf with his pitchfork.

before each race, i prepare a list of distractions/motivators for when the wall comes. here was my list:
1. hold your form. hold your pace. you'll be fine.
2. you command your legs. not the other way around.
3. you do lots of things in life simply because they're hard. this is hard. quit being a pussy.
4. i'm going to leave this one blank...just suffice it to say that it existed and would embarass me greatly if i were to make it public.
5. it's a lifegoal. if you miss it because you weren't mentally strong enough, you will always regret it.

all of these flew out the window around 22.5 miles just before the turn across lake shore drive. i know this because that's when i first thought of giving up.

i can see the red, white, and blue hat that the pace leader is wearing 40 feet ahead of me. his sign is down, but i know it's him. it seems as though he is picking up the pace...or i'm slowing down. ok, so 3 miles to go. 21 minutes. i can handle this. i can handle this. just 21 minutes. god will that finish line feel good. i can finally stop. see mom and dad. timmy. succubus. wow a massage would feel good right now. hawkins. zschiel. aw crap...i have to get back here for him. that's gonna sting a little. i wonder how he's doing. ammie. hawaii? wrong sport. 18 minutes. how many people came out for this? damn. 12 minutes. if i go spouting off my mouth about how badly i want boston and fail here in the last 2 miles, all these people who came out will just pat me on the back and say 'good job' knowing full well that i hate myself for not sticking it out. it will feel worse than what my legs feel like now.

fuck that. you will not fail in the last 2 miles. not for anything. now run motherfucker. 10 minutes. you sonofabitch. wow...14th street...this is where i'm to pick up zschiel. not much further. 1200 meters. 800 meters. just a quarter mile to go!! this must be the final corner! What the?! WHO THE FUCK PUT THIS GODDAMN HILL ON ROOSEVELT?!? GODDAMN ASS-MOTHER-BITCH-COCKWHORE! GAAAHH!!! FUCK THIS! FUCK YOU! FUCK!

chick in pink. pass by the lightpole. done. dude in tanktop. take him at the corner. final 400. goddammit. 400 is a quarter mile...not 800. retard. tanktop guy. done. final 200. Clock check. Can't see it. Dude in white. you're celebrating too early. you've been passed. Funny-right-foot-kick guy, your turn. Hawkins! Hi-five! 50 meters. Funny-right-foot-kick guy eats my dust. Clock check. I'M GOING TO MAKE IT! Empty out the tanks. Hands up in the air and smile for the cameras! Slow down. Stop. Clock check. yea bitches. hells yea. ouch.

7:15

2006-10-19T23:14:00.000-05:00

i've suddenly become a little less concerned about qualifying. for some reason, i had it stuck in my head that i had to run 6:52's to hit 3:10. it's not. it's 7:15. wow does that make a huge difference.

5 days

2006-10-17T23:14:00.000-05:00

5 days until the marathon. am i nervous? i keep telling myself i'm not...but yea, i guess i am. to be honest, i've never really taken the marathon seriously. my first one, i just wanted to finish and i knew i eventually would. my second one, i just wanted to be faster. no set time, just faster. my third, i just wanted to finish next to my brother.

none of those races worried me. there really wasn't anything huge riding on it. yes, if i don't BQ, there's always next year. but honestly, i think this is the best shot at it that i've ever had.

3:09:59.

i will qualify.

my beak is out of whack

2006-10-14T01:03:00.000-05:00

i got x-rayed today and it turns out that my cheekbone is bruised and my nose is broken. just what i needed 9 days before the marathon.

oh bloody hell

2006-10-12T10:43:00.000-05:00

some guys from my tuesday soccer league needed a keeper for the wednesday night league down in schaumburg. they asked me to play so i gladly agreed and last night, i met up with them at the new facility for something that was supposed to resemble fun.

first, the positive side: the new place is awesome. it has the same turf as
Soldier Field and the fields are huge. not quite full size goals but much larger than normal indoor goals.

now the negative side: i ended up with an elbow in my left cheek which has left a pretty mark, a ringing in my right ear from a teammates knee, a bloody nose that turned a good size patch of the field a funny color, and a concussion that is still making me feel nauseous. oh yea, and we lost 10-1.

i knew we were in trouble when the other team had sponsored matching uniforms that were well over $100 each. next time, i'll save myself the $10 and run full speed into a brick wall.

a dilemma

2006-10-08T00:20:00.000-05:00

i have a good employee who is fairly new to the job. he's in high school and is one of those people who seems bright but has no motivation. he's all but dropped out of school and it drives me crazy that someone with his potential could choose to make his life that much more difficult. half of me wants to require him to go to school in order to keep his job. the other half says that it's none of my business. he's a good kid and i want him to do well but i'm not sure it's possible without even a high school degree.

17

2006-10-06T00:39:00.000-05:00

17 days to go. i think i'm ready.

since last post, i've decided to play it safe and not risk boston. if i were to go out and keep pace for 24 miles and then die on the last two only to lose not only my 3 hour goal, but boston as well, i don't think i would take that very well. i'll kill the BQ this time around, and run my sub3 at boston.

in non running news, i recently asked out an extremely attractive girl (who happens to like dark chocolate strawberries) and she said 'yes'. i'll be damned! you guys all know how picky and/or retarded i can be regarding women. hopefully i don't screw this one up. or be so nervous that i come across as boring. or just be the idiot that i am on the phone (i still hate that goddamn device).

finally, ironman prep begins in seriousness november 12th. how i'm going to train for the ironman, get through the holidays, and hopefully keep this girl talking to me is beyond me (especially with how bitchy i get after not sleeping for 6 weeks).

a good healthy dose of confidence

2006-09-28T18:04:00.000-05:00

lately i've been having a confidence issue with my running and preparation for october 22nd.

i just watched this three times.

every time that air horn blows, i get some serious jitters a big grin and then that burning feeling hits my stomach (i call it the 'angry juice').

so now, with the angry juice flowing, i'll tell you what's going to happen on october 22nd.

i will run harder than i have ever run before.
i will find a new level of stubborness to carry me through the 26.2.
i will qualify for boston.
i will run 2:59:59. i've decided that 3:10 is not good enough.
i will hurt like a motherfucker.

and zack, i will run the last mile with you if it fucking kills me.

ok, now lest i waste this motivation, i'm off to make some pavement my bitch.

how to ship a package

2006-09-27T14:47:00.000-05:00

the idiocy of customers continues to amaze me. just when i think i've seen everything, i get blown away by how dumb people can be and yet still manage to survive in the world.

on friday a customer comes in wanting to ship some halloween gifts to her friends. she asks for some paper and a pen and starts browsing around the store writing down what she wants to send. she hands me a list of about 15 items and tells me she wants to keep it "around $10". um, yea...ok. so which two items do you want from the list? she picks a few things and asks about shipping. i tell her we ship overnight fedex since it is chocolate and a temperature swing can damage it. i tell her i can try to get it out today (remember, it's friday...late afternoon) but if i do, it will sit in a warehouse over the weekend and get delivered on monday unless she wants to pay for saturday delivery ($$$). i inform her that it's best to wait until monday to ship it. after almost an hour in the store, she finally pays and insists that it go out today. i collect her money and ask for the address where i'm shipping it to.
her: "oh, i don't have that"
me:
her: "but i have her phone number. can't you just call them and tell them there is a package waiting for the person with this phone number?"
me: um, no, i need to have an address. you should probably just call them and get their address
her: well, i want it to be a surprise. you can't just give fedex the phone number?
me: no, it doesn't work that way.
her: oh, ok.

so she calls her friend and returns with the address...without the zip code.
her: do you really need that?
me: um, yes. if it were a small town, i might be able to figure it out, but this is chicago.
her: fine! i'll call her back.

she returns with the zip code.

her: i have a question for you. how will she know it's from me?
me: you mean, aside from the note you wrote inside and the to/from tag you put on it?
her: yea.
me:
her: well, i mean, how will she know it's her package and not supposed to be for someone else?
me: that's what the address is for. it will say it is shipped from us, but it will be addressed to her.
her: yes. but i want her to know it's from me.
me: umm...
her: can i just write my name on the outside of the box.
me: sure...do whatever you want.

i finally succeed in appeasing her and pack up the box and send an oompa loompa to fedex. throughout the afternoon, she checks back 3 more times to be sure that it got out that day. each time i get more and more amazed. "yes, it's already at fedex...no, i don't know if it's left the fedex store or not".

fast forward to monday morning.
phone caller: hi, this is fedex. we're trying to deliver a package to "221 XXXXX St." . This address doesn't exist. do you have any information that could assist us?
me: fucking great. i'll have to call you back.

i'm at home later that night and i get a phone call from the customer.

her: i have a complaint. my friend didn't get the package.
me: yes, i tried getting ahold of you a couple times today. fedex can't deliver the package. the address you wrote down is wrong.
her: no, it's right. i'm sure it is.
me: if fedex can't find the address, it doesn't exist. do you want to call your friend again and double check?
her: no, i'm sure it's 221 XXXX. you know, three two's and a 1.
me: wait...is it 221 or 2221?
her: 221. three two's and a one.
me: um...ok...whatever.
her: so how will they know which package to deliver?
me: i'm sorry?
her: if the package didn't get there, how will they know which one is hers?
me: (wtf?!) there is still a name and address on the package...it's just not the right address. i'll call fedex and they'll change the address.
her: so can't you just ship out new chocolate? won't this stuff be ruined?
me: i don't think so. the high over the weekend was only 70 and it usually takes until 75 or 76 before things start to go crazy.
her: well, it was a lot of money and if she's not going to get it today it will be ruined. i want new stuff shipped out.
me: i can do that. but you'll have to pay for it.
her: i shouldn't have to. you said that it was being shipped overnight and that it would be in a warehouse over the weekend and get to her monday morning.
me: yes, i did. but if you gave me an address that doesn't exist, that is beyond my control.
her: but i did give the correct address.
me: no...you didn't. otherwise the package would be there. you wrote down 221...not 2221.
her: it IS 221. THREE TWO's and a ONE!
me: um...ok. well, i need to go call fedex with this info so that the package will be delivered tomorrow.
her: ok.

i know the postal/shipping services are complicated on the backend but to the common user, i think they're pretty straitforward. apparently not.

update

2006-09-18T23:40:00.000-05:00

long time no blog. here's what's happened in my life lately.

on wednesday, i turned 27. yay.

on thursday, i got a new nephew, leo. mom, dad, and baby are all well and it sounds like jack and max are pretty excited too.

on saturday, the stored turned 1 year old. it feels like 10. oh, and hawkins ticked another year older too.

on sunday night, i went out for 20 miles. it hurt and i was slow. only 34 days to go and i need to shed about 14 minutes....ugh. ok, so i was pretty hungover from celebrating saturday's landmark, but still, i need to be faster.

today, when i got home from work, i took the rest of the day off. no run or work. what the hell do people do with their free time? i was going stir-crazy. i ended up cleaning out my car (no small feat), doing some laundry, working on the dresser, making dinner, and watching a couple hours of tv. i feel like i wasted an entire night.

tomorrow is speedwork and swim day. the nasty hill and pool await.

randomness

2006-09-12T01:18:00.000-05:00

random thought 1: i went out for a 19 mile run today having eaten 1/4 lb. of fudge for breakfast, skipping lunch, and mcdonalds for dinner. that run sucked balls.
random thought 2: i had a "Glengarry Glen Ross" moment today. a salesman pitched me about switching vendors for a particular product on friday. he was able to do it cheaper. he was trying his damndest to close me and, after i had revealed that i played him off of my current vendor and gotten better pricing from both, tried to guilt me into using him. the old me would have felt bad about this as i used to have a very guilty conscience. ever since this post i've had a new outlook. i didn't feel bad at all...none...not one bit. i was proud that i was completely honest and very direct. i didn't care that i wasn't 'letting him down easy'. i like the new me.
random thought 3: this is probably the most educational product website out there. if you are ever interested in aerodynamics, they tell you just about everything except for the hardcore mathematics behind it.
random thought 4: i will soon have someone else call me 'uncle mike'. Val is due any day now. last report was that she was doing well and feeling good. i secretly hope for it to happen on wednesday.
random thought 5: i go to pick up a brand spankin' new router table tomorrow so i can finally finish that damn dresser. i'm just gonna rip off the trim and route new pieces. trying to sand those fuckers is taking me way too long.
random thought 6: after tonight's 19 miler, this whole ironman thing is a bit intimidating. i'm pooped. and i didn't swim 2.4 and bike 112 right before it.
random thought 7: jesus, it's 1:30. i need to get more sleep.

iron

2006-09-11T10:50:00.000-05:00

i am officially signed up for ironman wisconsin. 363 days from today, i'll check off another life goal.

9/11

2006-09-10T23:32:00.000-05:00

some people call people who do marathons crazy. "26 miles? i could NEVER do that". whatever. it's not that they can't, it's more that they would never want to. i'm pretty sure that if anybody trained, they could do it.

i don't really mind people saying this but what really gets me all hot and bothered is when people start applying inaccurate titles to me or the event. on numerous occasions i've had people call it 'inspiring'. if, because of me, you are now contemplating training for marathon, then fine. but most of the time it's just patronizing wind coming out of their mouth. i am not inspiring, but sarah is.

what is far worse and borders on pissing me off is the 'hero' term. on 3 separate occasions, 3 completely separate people have applied this term to my running. bullshit. bullshit. bullshit. i do not give selflessly. i do not put myself in harm's way to help another human being. i put myself in harm's way because it feels good when it's over. that's it. a more accurate term would be 'selfish'.

tomorrow at 8:03 when i'm out on my run, i will stop. i'll say a quick prayer for some true heros and some of the most selfless people there ever were. then i'll start running again.

a short story:
my first marathon was in 2001 right after the attacks. it was my first race of any kind. i was in awe of the crowds, the number of runners, the american flags, but mostly by the countless number of police officers. at every intersection of all 26 miles there were at least 2 on each corner. at each aid station, there were 20 or 30. at the finish there were hundreds and hundreds. the chicago marathon organization pays for police support during the race but no budget could have allowed for this. a friend of mine who knew one of the officers told me that most of them weren't getting paid at all. they were all there not because a commander told them to be there. they wanted to be there. they wanted to make sure that we could run our race safely and without worry. they were there for us.

now that's a hero.

a fine dinner

2006-09-06T23:57:00.000-05:00

i went down to "nacional 27" tonight for dinner with kyle, hebs, and his fiance sarah. it was 'wine down wednesday' where they offered a free wine pairing with a 5 course dinner. in short, it was stellar, but...

they got 4 of 5 wines correct. the 3rd course had an awful rose (i wish i knew how to insert the 'e' with the accent mark over it) paired with it. maybe the wine wasn't bad, but i've never liked blush wines. it's like they couldn't make up their mind as to what wine they wanted to make.

the other problem - trendy restaurants aren't used to feeding people like me. i could have demolished 6 times what they served and that's no exageration. except for the wine part. i'm a pretty cheap date.

and speaking of food intake, i got my body fat measured yesterday. 5.0%. no wonder the guys from motorola said i had lost a lot of weight even though i'm the same weight i've been for the past 6 years.

tv

2006-09-05T00:38:00.000-05:00

i purchased (on credit) a 42 inch lcd HDTV a while back. i just discovered one of the coolest things about it...dual source. i can watch CNBC and play XBOX at the same time.

i believe eric cartman said it best, "dude, that is totally tits".

play nice = bend over and grab your ankles

2006-08-31T16:13:00.000-05:00

play nice or don't play at all. remember that one? well, it's total bullshit. if you play nice, you're going to get fucked over. i'm becoming more and more convinced that the only way to get ahead is to take advantage of or intimidate other people.

if you are another driver that insists that the world revolves around you, expect me to correct that notion for you.

if you are an employee, expect me to crawl up your ass and set up camp.

if you are a vendor who screws up, expect me to make you pay for it...big.

i'm so goddamn frustrated with the world that it's beginning to make me crazy. i need to go for a run before i kill someone.

good news/invite

2006-08-30T00:12:00.000-05:00

good news:
the rim on my bike is not cracked. the point at which the wheel is joined (the seam) bent and caused a burr but it is fixable! damn. no more excuse to buy these. yea right...those cost as much as my whole bike.

almost forgot the other good news...ok, not news, more like me tooting my own horn. it turns out that i actually beat the run times for two of the approximately 50 pro male triathletes. as if my running ego needed any more stroking. =)

invite:
October 22 could wind up being one of the most important days to me yet. Running the Boston Marathon is a very big deal to me and qualifying for it is the only thing standing in my way. What does this mean to you? I would love nothing more than all my friends and family to come and give me some extra motivation to run hard. Most of the time i run solo and zone out. If the Chicago Distance Classic is any indicator, that's just not going to happen for me at that pace so anything to take my mind off of my legs would be supremely helpful. Seeing a friendly face in the crowd will certainly do that. I know watching endurance sports is probably one of the most boring things in the world, but i would be very grateful for the help.

tri stats - prepare to be bored.

2006-08-27T23:11:00.000-05:00

triathlon results:
swim -
goal: 26
actual: 32:04
commentary: kicked in the face twice at the beginning and once at the end.

t1-
goal: 3.5
actual: 2:42
commentary: ran right past my bike the first time around

bike-
goal: 1:14
actual: 1:12 (21.0 mph average)
commentary: 8 inches from hitting a cameraman and last 6 miles was ridden on a flat tire with a cracked rim...suck

t2-
goal: 1.5 minutes
actual: 2:00
commentary: stood looking dumbfounded still not able to find rack. yes, i'm an idiot.

run-
goal: 40 minutes
actual: 41:38 (6:43 pace)
commentary: riding through the flat tire took a lot out of me and i couldn't hold the pace that i wanted. got the 73rd fastest run...which doesn't mean a whole lot.

grand spankin' total-
goal: 2:25
actual: 2:30:41
commentary: beat hebda by 6 minutes and kyle by 10 so i did what i set out to do...prove myself. still had a massive cramping issue at the finish line. i crossed and both hamstrings went mega-tight. some ice and gatorade and it was all good in the hood. i came in 236th of 3708 so top 6% isn't too bad. one day i will win.

time to tri harder

2006-08-25T00:46:00.000-05:00

yes, it's time for another countdown to a race. this will be the last one until the chicago marathon (which i hope everyone who reads this will come to...boston is on the line). sunday is the accenture triathlon downtown and time for me to exact some revenge on kyle and hebda. the goal is to beat them by 10 minutes. yes, that's right. 10 minutes. i'm pretty ashamed of my steelhead performance and will NOT be repeating it.

split goals (like any of you really care):
swim: 26 minutes
t1: 3.5 minutes
bike: 1:14
t2: 1.5 minutes
run: 40 minutes

grand spankin' total: 2:25

i think i'm going to go get my racing stripes put in tomorrow. =)

if you feel like seeing if i'm dead or not during the race, go here: http://triathlons.accenture.com/
my name during the race is "scott barbeau" and bib number 3639.

now once sunday is over, what the hell am i going to blog about? probably my customers again. aren't you overjoyed?

the worlds largest moving bar

2006-08-18T10:39:00.000-05:00

last night was the nike run hit remix. the premise of the race is a 5 mile fun run where they have a bunch of one hit artists from the 90's at each mile marker. Young MC was there (and was phenomenal), gin blossoms (could have been a cover band...not sure), de la soul, and a bunch of other bands.

last night was the first time i didn't take a run seriously. normally, i'm out for blood even if it's a training run. given the recent state of my body and the whole premise of the race, i decided to make this one different.

enter the camelbak.

1/4 bottle stoli raspberry
1/4 bottle triple sec
1 32 oz. bottle lemonlime/strawberry gatorade

the gatortini!!!

by the time the 5 miles was over, i was wrecked. by the time we stumbled to the post race beer tent (goose island), i was three sheets to the wind.

what a fantastic run. and yes, i'm hungover.

half ironman photographic evidence

2006-08-14T23:40:00.000-05:00

beginning of run - feeling good and looking good in that orange and blue

end of run - out kicking hebda and not looking as good as before

post race - guys, i can't stand up any more

yup, i'm competitive alright

2006-08-14T22:38:00.000-05:00

on sunday, i earned my competitive start for october 22nd by a running a 1:25:34 half marathon (6:32/mile). it was probably one of the ugliest runs i've ever done. i ran with a pace group to help get me through it.
at the third mile, i was hurting and conceding defeat.
at mile 4, i convinced myself to just stay with the pace group as long as possible and see where i would be.
at mile 6, i actually gave consideration to just giving up.
at mile 7, my legs were begging me to stop.
at mile 9, i started to lose the pace group.
at mile 10, i could no longer see them.
at mile 11, i started checking the watch and calculating what i'd have to run to hit my goal of 1:25:59.
at mile 12, i just started repeating 'just 1 more. just 1 more. just 1 more.'
at mile 13, i finally got a bit of a kick to get me up the final hill to the finish.
at 13.1, i was done. finally done. the whole run never felt good. i normally get into a rhythm and just kind of zone out and cruise along. not this time. no rhythm, no gliding along.

even worse, ever since the run, i've felt horrible. normally i eat 5 or 6 meals a day. yesterday i ate twice. today once. and i spent the greater part of last night shivering under a pile of blankets. i've got no sniffles. no fever. i just feel like ass. oh yea, and if i walk around for more than ten minutes, i start looking for a chair. needless to say, i'm taking the day off from working out. maybe a swim tomorrow, but that's it.

there are a couple things that make me feel better about the day though.
-pre-race massage from holly.
-quality personal photog by timmy. yes, i even got the obligatory moon-shot in there.
-a stellar post race breakfast with fantastic food and even better company
-hanging out with friends that i haven't seen in a while.
-zack's comment about my mental state.

i guess hitting my goal wasn't too bad either. =)