i hate people - volume 8

I have had a LOT of dumb questions asked of me at the store. Recently, I had one that topped them all:

"Can I help you?"
"Yes...those caramels...do they...umm...do they have caramel in them?"
"Seriously?" (your fucking with me, right?)
"Haha...um...yea...do they?"
"Now i have had a LOT of questions about product here, but this has to be the first time that one was asked." (You, lady, were dropped as a child...off a balcony) "yes, they have caramel in them."

And so it goes that retards are not only customers, but hold jobs as well. Pulling through the steak 'n shake drive-thru today:

"That'll be $6.27 please."

"I'm sorry sir...the credit cards are taking forever today because of the snow."

I guess the credit cards were waiting for a plow and a fucking salt truck. idiot.

the kinky twinkie

in spite of my bitch-fest of a previous post, this week was not without it's moments of entertainment. on friday, after work, i went to restaurant depot to pick up the ton-o-shit that i normally buy there. i had the loaner car, a ford edge, from the dealer. i filled it...completely. i shit you not. cargo hold, back seat, front seat, this thing was packed like timmy's butt wound (sorry tim, couldn't resist). when i returned to the dealer to pick up my now healed explorer, a light crowd of mechanics/desk jockeys gathered to watch the chocolate store version of the clown car as i loaded the escape. i had warned them that i may be picking up a few things...maybe i underestimated.

second moment of entertainment:
satuday at the store, two older women came in (45 years old it turns out). they were poking around asking about this that and the other thing when they came to the twinkies. now keep in mind that I was in rare form on saturday and damn near anything was coming out of my mouth. it has been a while since i've dealt with that many customers and i was on people-overload. the lady asked if the twinkies were any good. I smiled and nodded.
"really?"
"yea, i normally don't like twinkies" (bigger smile)
"that much huh?"
"for sure!" really big smile.
"did you get kinky with the twinkie?"
holding the really big smile: "no...but it sounds like a pretty good idea."
"oooh...my...(fanning herself)...is it hot in here?"
"yup." (it was 80 degrees...but i'm not sure that's what she was talking about)
"i'll take two."

the banter continued through the transaction and as she walked out, i ran to the back room to laugh my fool head off. now before you go and tell me that i'm all talk (i'm well aware, thank you), i did make the sale and upsold her by at least $10. and hey, an ego boost doesn't hurt anybody now does it?

how to turn your week on it's ear

this week has been a little bit hectic. it's christmas season and two of the store folks have left. that leaves me shorthanded and scrambling for coverage for a couple weeks.

to make things even more fun, I got committed to some last minute training which took me out of the office for two days that I really couldn't afford to lose. throw in the words "eight hundred million dollar contract" and everyone is clamoring to see what exactly my demo systems can do. it's kind of fun being the center of attention but it's hard to keep track of everything that's going on and still get work done. More fun: my transmission went wonky on me AGAIN on friday morning. I limped in to the dealer for a loaner so i could get on my way.

and finally, the trump card. today at the store our cash registers went down. normally, i can fix them...but right now, they're mega-fucked.

who's a ho? idaho!

not really idaho. more like texas, california, and washington in under 7 days. lately i spend more time in hotels than a prostitute. i've already come to despise airline passengers. there are 3 types:

1. those who travel all the time and think they are god's gift to airlines and demand the utmost respect (i hate them the most).
2. there are your typical liesure travelers who do not know airport protocol and jam up the lines. they are, however, usually the most courteous.
3. then there are your first time flyers who want to talk your ear off on the plane. seriously, i don't really care that your six year old finally got potty trained. good for you. gold star. i will certainly exchange pleasantries and perhaps a little small-talk with my fellow passengers, but i really do have stuff to get done while i sit on my ass for 4 hours. so be quiet. and if you must fall asleep, drool on your own damn self.

i make it sound horrible, but it's really not all that bad. i just get frustrated easily on planes. and hawkins, i have no idea where you fit into this. you're just a travel anomaly.

in the buff

i left my cell phone at home today. i feel naked. and it's cold outside.

ahoy nerd-o!!

if you are not a super-nerd, stop reading.




i'm serious.



stop now.




ok, you've been warned.




on monday, i went to a talk hosted by the research side of labs on predictive bug detection in software. in short, it was an algorithm that analyzes api calls and looks what you are doing before and after api/function calls. it then categorizes what you're doing and sees if there is a pattern. if a large percentage fall into a pattern and a function call doesn't match the pattern, it is flagged for manual inspection. say for example, you always check for null on a return call but suddenly, in some random slice of code, you don't perform the check, the 'bug detector' flags the code for manual inspection.

this work is still in its infancy and doesn't do anything crazy but it's an interesting concept that, once fully mature, will probably be a very useful tool in industry. i only fear that, just like Microsoft Word makes for poor spellers, dependency on a tool such as this will make for sloppy developers.

see, i tried to warn you and you just wouldn't listen. in order to make amends, i shall propose a new topic: if a turtle loses his shell, is he homeless or naked? discuss.

fudge wars - the grease trap strikes back

it stinks in here. bad. like somebody ate way too much taco bell after a hard night of drinking cheapnasty beer and became old faithful. except in the opposite direction. see this post for more info on the grease trap.

every employee gets the grease trap speech. i want as little as possible to go down the drain so we can delay opening that bad mother up for as long as possible. i go so far as to open the outlet valve so they know just how bad even a tiny whiff can be. forcing someone's eyes to roll back in their head and go into convulsions, i've found to be quite effective at making my point.

i recently gave the speech to a newer employee and they agreed that it was bad...but not that bad. i was dumbfounded. as if my jaw wasn't already on the floor, they followed it up with an offer to clean it out for me. sweet jesus's donkey.

yesterday after the store closed, they followed through on their offer. not only did they empty out 30 gallons of grease trap goo using nothing but a ladle, but then scrubbed it out with a sponge.

i have two theories on management. one of them is that i will never ask an employee to do what i myself, am unwilling to do. not for all the playboy centerfolds would i scrub the grease trab out with a sponge. ok, well, maybe...but it would be a tough decision. but definitely not for 7 bucks an hour.

wanna know the kicker? this employee is a 17 year old high school girl.

and so it begins

on wednesday, i put in the first of many 18 hours days to come.

today is friday. black friday.

here.
we.
go.

judging the book

I'm frequently reminded how important appearance is in this business of mine. Just yesterday, a man came up to the ice cream counter, pointed at a bucket of ice cream (instead of reading the labels...but that is a whole other rant) and said "i'll take the strawberry". I grab my weapon and start toward the strawberry cheesecake ice cream. A side note: this ice cream happened to be sitting next to the one he was pointing at, but sometimes it can be really hard to tell where people are pointing through the glass.

"NO! I want that one!"
"Oh, this one is strawberry cheesecake...did you want the peppermint instead?"
"yes, please."

Lesson of the day kids: Customers only know what they want about 25% of the time. The rest is going by look and perception.

Another example:
We have pumpkin fudge. It's really good and has a pretty strong pumpkin flavor to it. However, most people only experience pumpkin through pumpkin pie. Most of the flavor and aroma from pumpkin pie comes from the spices...not the pumpkin itself. At least once a week, we'll get a customer who comes in and samples the pumpkin fudge and claims that it doesn't taste like pumpkin at all. Well, 10% of the loaf is pumpkin and it's a vanilla fudge so i'm pretty sure there's nothing overpowering the pumpkin flavor. I think they just don't realize what they're tasting.

i hate people - part 6

it's a good thing it isn't legal to possess a firearm in public. i wanted to shoot this bitch in the store today. the first thing she says when i ask her if i can help is "you NEVER have any pecan apples". I explain to her that i was sold out by noon as 3 people each bought 4 of them. I'm not exactly happy about being out of them either as it is costing me sales but at that time, there's really nothing i can do about it. I apologize just as her daughter is asking if i remember who she is.

"you know, I'm the one who ALWAYS comes in and gets an apple!"
to myself - um...if you always come in, there's a pretty good chance i would remember you.
"oh come on. you remember me! I work down at Sirens!"
"oh! of course! I remember!" I'm lying...now please just shut up.
Her mom continues on the pecan apple rave and asks to speak to the manager.
"i'm him."
"oh...well, it's not your fault. you don't make them. can you just ask them to make more next time?"
"well, actually, i DO make them...but yes, I will bump up our count for next week."
"oh...well...so you'll make more?"
***CRASH***
I look to see the daughters hand knock a dog bowl filled with dipped dog bones to the floor.
Daughter: "it wasn't me! It just fell. I didn't touch it."
Neither mom nor daughter makes any move to pick up anything that dropped.

Well, of course she didn't knock the bowl off the counter. I mean, it could have been an earthquake, a ghost, or maybe telekenesis by someone who wanted me to *think* that she did it.

Stupid bitch.

What bothers me most about the whole situation is that neither mom nor daughter ever made a move to correct the situation (i.e. bend your lazy ass over and pick something up for christs sake) or even offer an apology. NOTHING. They just stared at me and waited for me to move. It's just fucking rude. I was about ready to explode so I had one of the girls finish out the transaction with them lest I say something that I'd regret.

Welcome to the holidays...when every idiot asshole comes out of the woodwork and shops for chocolate.

a dilemma

i have a good employee who is fairly new to the job. he's in high school and is one of those people who seems bright but has no motivation. he's all but dropped out of school and it drives me crazy that someone with his potential could choose to make his life that much more difficult. half of me wants to require him to go to school in order to keep his job. the other half says that it's none of my business. he's a good kid and i want him to do well but i'm not sure it's possible without even a high school degree.